


Hope for Healing

by CalamityJess



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-29
Updated: 2013-10-29
Packaged: 2017-12-30 21:01:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1023340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CalamityJess/pseuds/CalamityJess





	Hope for Healing

Gemma was vastly relieved yet surprised to get the message from Kaidan asking her to visit him at Huerta.  Why did he want to see her?  She wasn't sure she wanted to know to be honest.  Mars had reopened a lot of old wounds. Ones that had never quite healed and she didn't want to pick the scabs for fear of scarring.  But he had almost died on her watch,  protecting the squad,  Liara especially, when the Cerberus mech had emerged from the wreckage of the shuttle.  She at least owed him this request.  

She stopped at the kiosk in the lobby and grabbed a bottle of whiskey.  She knew Kaidan loved this stuff,  but right then she was tempted to drink it herself for some extra courage. James had come along,  insisting that she shouldn't be wandering the Citadel alone, not with all the refugee batarians hanging around.  Arguing with him that they were only in the camps was futile.  He took position outside the door to Kaidan's room while Shepard entered.

He was sitting up, even smiling.  The relief that flooded through Shepard at the sight was so intense she forgot she was worried. Conversation between them slipped easily back to pre-Horizon and Mars ease. Before she knew what was happening, she found herself telling him how much she cared about what happened to him, found her hands covered by the warmth of his.

They talked about family and the war.  He caught her up on his promotion and she finally congratulated him.  There was even some flirting.  It was easy,  comfortable,  normal.  Then she blurted out the question that had suddenly invaded her mind.

"Are we going to be able to get past Horizon?" she asked.

“I’d like to,” Kaidan began.  “As friends, as more than friends, I don’t know...I just like having you in my life,” he answered.

“Kaidan…,” Gemma interjected.

“Look, there’s a war going on, and maybe you and me will never happen...but I just need you to know, that for me...there’s no one else, and I still care,” Kaidan continued.

Gemma stood and walked to the window. It couldn’t be that easy.  Not for her.

“Gem? What’s up?” Kaidan asked as the silence stretched on.

“I...look, it’s just not that easy for me, Kaidan. That pain...it’s still pretty fresh. There I was, leading a crew of 10 on a suicide mission. Making sure, between Collector strikes, that each and every one of them had their issues resolved, affairs in order, ends neatly tied up. Except me. No one would tell me where you were, how to get in touch, nothing. Then you were there, right there...I could finally have someone to talk to, to be just Gemma with, to...give me some peace before I entered that relay. And you...you called me a traitor, both to you and the Alliance. Then you left me standing there, in pieces,” she answered.

“I know.  I saw you standing there, alive...I couldn’t believe it. And I handled it badly. I’m sorry, I wasn’t wrong about Cerberus, but I was wrong about you,” he answered.

That’s putting it mildly, she thought to herself as she wracked her brain to find a way to make him truly understand the effect that moment, and the long months of silence  had on her.

“Kaidan,” she began, turning to face him again. “You looked at me like I was some sort of monster.  Like…”

“Oh god,” Kaidan interrupted, the expression on her face struck a familiar chord. It mirrored what he felt all those years ago at BAaT, when Rahna...shit.

“Like...like Rahna looked at me,” he said.

He got it, without her saying another word, he got it, Gemma thought to herself.  Losing her composure, she let the tears run freely down her face as she simply nodded in response.

“Gem, I am so sorry,” he said, sitting up and reaching for her hand.

Gemma gave it to him and let him pull her to the bed. She took a seat on the edge, not objecting when he pulled her close. She wrapped her arms around his neck and clung to him like a drowning woman clings to a life raft. Twelve long months of holding back, not wanting to talk about it with anyone else, not wanting to think about it or deal with it alone, had finally caught up.

Kaidan held her as tight as his injuries would allow, savoring the feel of her in his arms while trying to figure out what he could possibly say to fix the wounds he had caused. None of his medic training had covered that. When the sobs subsided, he pulled back and framed her face with his hands, his thumbs smudging away the remaining moisture under her eyes. He had no words in that moment.

Gemma was in a similar state, but she managed to raise her eyes to meet his. God the man was blessed with such an expressive face, she could see it all there...regret, apology, guilt written as plain as day. And something else...something that scared her half to death, yet pulled her in at the same time. There was love there.

She caught her breath as his eyes closed, and his lips parted, her face mirroring his without her permission. She she felt herself arch against him, as their lips met for the first time since before Alchera. His hands roamed up and down her waist, and back, leaving her struggling to regain control.

She couldn’t do this...not now, not...just no.

She mustered all the willpower she could as she pulled herself off the bed and away from him, breathless and shaking.

“Kaidan...I just…,” she stuttered.

“Gem, hey, what’s going on?” Kaidan said, puzzled at the sudden shift in momentum.

“Kaidan,  I trust you with my life, without a doubt, without hesitation. I’m just...I don’t know if I can trust you with my heart yet...I’m sorry...I should...go,” she said as she reached the door and walked away.

Kaidan laid back on the pillows with a groan, and stared up at the ceiling, trying to work out what he could possibly do to fix this. He was so wrapped up in his thoughts he didn’t hear his door open. A throat clearing brought him back into the present as he saw Lt. Vega standing at the foot of his bed.

“This isn’t a good time, LT,” Kaidan said, not unkindly.

“Sorry, Major. Just wanted to make sure you were ok...saw Shepard leaving in a rush. Though she’s still here if you want me to get her? She’s in the lobby talking to a friend,” James offered.

“No, it’s...fine. She needs some time I guess,” Kaidan sighed.

“Yeah, you both do,” James said.

“Excuse me?” Kaidan asked, wondering what the LT’s stake in this was exactly.

“Sorry, couldn’t help overhearing from my post there. Maybe it’s not my place, hell it probably isn’t. But I’ve been with her for the last 6 months..as her guard, not...well you know. And if you want, I can tell you what you need to know to fix this,” James said.

“Why would you do that?” Kaidan asked.

“Because she’s a friend.  A good one. She’s been through hell. Betrayed by the Alliance, the Council, Cerberus. They all built her up, put her on a pedestal...then tried to hang her from it. They treated her like an asset instead of a person, and then as a liability. Then without ever admitting they were wrong, they make her responsible for ending the Reapers. Pendejos, all of them…,” James answered.

“I still don’t see what this has to do with me…you might say I’m guilty of some of the same really,” Kaidan said.

“No, you made mistakes sure, but you owned them. You care about her, and you make her happy,” James replied.

“Did she look happy to you, LT?” Kaidan asked, slightly annoyed.

“Look, my abuela always told me happiness and sadness are two sides of the same coin. You can’t know one without the presence of the other. She was a smart lady. And I don’t believe anyone, even Shepard, could be that sad unless she had felt equally as happy before...well everything,” James answered.

“Alright, I’m listening,” Kaidan said, surprised at the unexpectedly deep explanation.

“She knows you care.  No real need to prove that.  But, she also remembers you lost faith. So just...have her back. Show good faith, that’s really all she needs. Just...think about it. That’s all I ask. Oh, and don’t tell her I was here. She’d kick my ass,”  James said, turning to leave.

“Thanks, LT,” Kaidan said. “I’ll try it.”

It couldn’t hurt. After all,  she had turned to him just moments ago and accepted his attempt at comfort.  Considering it was his actions that caused her need for it,  that showed there was still hope... A willingness to try.  She was scared,  gunshy,  like he had been for years after BAaT and Rahna. That he understood.  That he could work with.  He just prayed the war would give him the time.

 


End file.
